Looking Back, Moving Forward

I have a theory that I have shared quite freely throughout the years, "Don't look back when you are trying to move forward. " I specifically developed this because of my own tendency to try to figure out what went wrong in my past relationships that was keeping my from moving into the future. I had thought of it as a form of self-therapy until the day about 6 years ago I asked an ex-boyfriend what he thought my biggest relationship problem was, and he told me, "That's easy, you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop." Well, of course....because it always did. But I decided then and there that I did not want to be that person. Would I head out into the dating world with reckless abandon? No, not quite, but what I did do was not try. In an effort to not expect anything and therefore not lose anything, I decided that I would treat every relationship as temporary. Unfortunately, I got attached ever now and again, but kept the attitude of not having a care and apparently my having my cake and eating it too didn't work out to well. The couple of people that I did care about inevitably left for someone with more of a plan.

I started thinking about all of this earlier this evening after I passed the apartment where I first lived when I moved to Decatur. I was single, with a new baby, a couple of jobs, and for the first time in 28 years, independence. I saw the exact unit as I drove down Spring Ave. on my way to Aldi. I began to think how much had changed in 14 years, but how much had stayed the same. I was independent then, and am just as independent today. It is different now. Then it was new and exciting, but now, now I am still trying to figure out if my independence is a strength or hindrance. I need to look back and remember how I became who I am now. I have to wonder that after so many years, will I ever be able to depend on someone again? I look back and realize that I probably won't make the same mistakes if I ever have another relationship because I won't fall for the same type of man again. I've been alone for a long time, but not particularly lonely. But now of course I have to wonder what it is going to be like in a few years when all of my kids are grown. So I have these conversations with myself (again, telling myself that it is therapy and not craziness) where I ask myself if I think I have the energy to try again, and at first I always say no, but then I tell myself that if I stay on this course more years will pass and I will be even more accustomed to being independent and alone, and it will be even harder to let someone in. Worse, in 9 more years I may be sitting here asking the same questions.

So how do I move forward and leave the past behind without losing who I became because of my past? Hmmmmmmm........