I Know Nothink.

I'm still trying to get the hang of this blogging thing. I did pretty good when I used MySpace, but recently, I have neglected one of my favorite things, just writing. I get these wonderful thoughts that I would like to share, but almost never when I am in a place that I can just write. I feel like that by the time I actually get to my computer I end up babbling....so if you are reading this, I hope you enjoy my dribble.

One question that has been weighing heavily on my mind is how my youngest daughter will ever have a functional relationship, when she has never seen one. I mean, she sees the same people I do, and a few of them do have good marriages, but as far as on a day to day, or even on any kind of regular basis, she's never seen anything resembling a good relationship.

Lets start with me and her father....we were complete dysfunction, but since we were only really together from the time she was 2-5, she really doesn't remember much about that. She went through our divorce, she went through his divorce from his third wife, and his breakup from his last girlfriend. And I won't forget to turn the finger back around to point to myself. I have been married twice. I was married to my first husband for 8 years, and my youngest, Laneybug, knows all about that because of her older brother and sister, who were products of that marriage. Then of course she knows about her father and I. After TR and I divorced I tried to squash the hurt by dating. I was 33 years old and was determined to overcome 2 failed marriages. It didn't take me long to figure out that dating just was not worth the trouble. So after one more "WTF was I thinking relationship", I basically gave up dating many years ago. There have been a few out of the blue exceptions....the young Ivorian athlete who pulled me out of my funk initially, A., who I went out with very briefly before becoming best friends for the next 3 years. I've had a couple of very long distance relationships, which I think my daughter appreciates the most, because with those she would only have to share me a couple of times a year for a couple of weeks. But now that she is getting close to the age that she might start thinking about dating, I don't know what to expect, with her not having had any good examples. She seems to have a natural ease with people in general, which I always thought was one of my strong points, but apparently doesn't help me much in the one-on-one relationship department. I guess what I'm trying to ask is how can I teach my daughter about relationships or give any advice, when I've never had one that worked?

STUPID FUEL SURCHARGES!!

I am on the second week of my search for the cheapest airfare for a trip that I can't afford to take and can't afford not to take. I'm going to Paris and Tunisia....only for 12 days total, but 12 days too many off of work and away from my family. So, why am I going? Let's just say it is a long overdue trip and I have a great opportunity to take it. So, here I am, typing a blog that no one even reads, when I need to be working to pay for this trip. Currently the best price I can get is by buying 2 separate tickets from AirFrance at $881 and $399 respectively, blowing my $1000.00 airfare budget! Why do the people who can actually stand being around me live on the other side of the world???

Preparing for the "What If"

I don't have a good reason to write tonight. I just need to. I have always prided myself in having no fear and showing no fear if I have it until I can talk myself out of it. Even now, I am not sure that the thing I have is fear or just a result of the fact that I am being forced to face the fact that it's time for me to start thinking about "what if?" I've always been a fly-by-the-seat of my pants person in terms of things like health insurance, financial planning, and even making out a will. I have progressively over the past 5 or so years matured in these areas, and though I have not bought into the whole "American Dream" hook, line and sinker, I have bought life insurance and started thinking about my end of life wishes and who I would trust to carry them out. Yes, I am becoming a responsible adult.

Things should be fairly simple. I am a single woman. I don't have any great amount of debt. I have one grown child, another who's 17, and the youngest is 13. But I want to be remembered beyond what I leave behind. I don't want to just go quietly. I'm not ready, and I really hope that my time won't be up anytime soon. I want to be an old lady. I want to fall in love. I want to leave a huge mark on this world that says "I was here. I did something with this life." Maybe I would not be thinking about this if a close friend had not passed away this summer. A friend who had a lot of plans and so much to offer. A friend who wanted so much to be here for her family. If her time on Earth could be up, well, so could mine. So, instead of agonizing over what if, and having it hanging out there, I have decided to get my house in order and keep it that way, so to speak. I have chosen the person that I would want to handle the details. Now I need to make a will. I'm also going to start organizing things so that my loved ones will have to "deal" with as little as possible. Then I am going to pray for at least 50 more years of happy, healthy life. Namaste.

Writing a Research Paper

I have a research paper due today. I have always been arrogant about my ability to knock out any kind of paper at the last minute, but this one is kicking my butt. I don't think it would be so bad if I could just write and not worry about the technical crap; the works cited, the outline, the footnotes....BLAH! I have taken at least 4 courses a semester since January of 2006, so you would think that by now this would not be such a traumatic experience, but it is. Especially for someone with such profound ADD.

A friend of mine sent me this graphic, which I have to admit, seems to be pretty much on target.

Anyway, more coffee, a stretch, and maybe I can knock this out and get a catnap before I need to drive my daughter to camp in the morning. Maybe!