Remembering to be thankful.

April 27th of this year is a day we try not to think about too much, but this week I have, because it is the day mine, my daughter's and the lives of my neighbors were spared. It's still very hard to go into to detail, but the summary is that a tornado hit us. A monster. I was listening to the TV and so many had missed us, that I foolishly believed this one would too. As James Spann, the newscaster from Birmingham began to yell from the TV that a multi-vortex tornado was heading for the City of Cullman, I stood in awe watching the image on the TV, trying to figure out where it was from the clear image on the screen from a local tower cam. The weatherman thought it was north of my location, by sighting that it was passing near a local flea market. I was looking out my North window for it as he suddenly and excitedly changed the location: It was heading straight for us. Not only my town, but my house. I spun around to my living room window in just enough time to see the last of my neighbors (who thought we had already gone) speed up the street in their truck, and see the monster heading straight for us. In that minute I realized that I would not have enough time to get my already terrified daughter out of the hallway and into the truck before it hit, so I went to the hallway with her, covered her with my body and told her it was here. It was terrifying to say the least to hear the world coming apart around us and not knowing if any minute the entire house would be torn from around us. Then it was gone. We went outside and everything had changed. Our neighbors were all returning and my daughter ran toward her friend and neighbor who she had grown up with for the past 7 years, and suddenly it registered: Their house was gone. Not just parts of it like the rest of us, but all of it. Not a stick of the home was left on the property. The full impact hit me. I was sorry for their loss, but so glad they decided to leave, but then also I realized that had it moved just a few meters, my daughter and I would be gone too.

Okay, that's about all I can take in telling right now. It was hard, and is still hard to remember. What did happen though, was in the week that followed, our neighbors, whom we had always loved, became our family. Yesterday evening I sat with my neighbor, Gloria in the living room of her new house, discussing the dinner that we would make to eat in her new dining room tomorrow. It made me smile when she happily said, "Now I have a dining room and space for everyone." She had lost every material possession, but has her family, and extended family. This year has taught us not to to be humble and not to complain as much. We lived without homes and power in destruction, but learned how much we all meant to each other. We are strong and most of all, THANKFUL!!

Since I last blogged too much has happened to try to catch up...Tornado, Tunisia, Termination of my business....so, I am just going to pick up where I am today, in the middle of painting the interior of my home and trying to do homework and study. I took a lunch break and sat down at my dining room table which is in the middle of my small kitchen because I am painting the dining room. In the center of the table sits a container filled with shells that Yousef collected for me from the beach in Gabes when I was in Tunisia in May. I picked one up and sand fell from it to the table in front of me. I touched it...touched part of my other home 5000 miles from here. It doesn't take much to make me cry these days, which is slightly odd because I am extremely happy. I am happy with my life and my family. I am thankful for all of these years of beautiful souls I have had come into my life. I cry for the place so far from my life here. I miss Tunisia. I have all the peace I have ever imagined when I am there, but not my home and my children. So now, the challenge of my lifetime: To try to add there to my life without sacrificing what I have here.

Looking Back, Moving Forward

I have a theory that I have shared quite freely throughout the years, "Don't look back when you are trying to move forward. " I specifically developed this because of my own tendency to try to figure out what went wrong in my past relationships that was keeping my from moving into the future. I had thought of it as a form of self-therapy until the day about 6 years ago I asked an ex-boyfriend what he thought my biggest relationship problem was, and he told me, "That's easy, you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop." Well, of course....because it always did. But I decided then and there that I did not want to be that person. Would I head out into the dating world with reckless abandon? No, not quite, but what I did do was not try. In an effort to not expect anything and therefore not lose anything, I decided that I would treat every relationship as temporary. Unfortunately, I got attached ever now and again, but kept the attitude of not having a care and apparently my having my cake and eating it too didn't work out to well. The couple of people that I did care about inevitably left for someone with more of a plan.

I started thinking about all of this earlier this evening after I passed the apartment where I first lived when I moved to Decatur. I was single, with a new baby, a couple of jobs, and for the first time in 28 years, independence. I saw the exact unit as I drove down Spring Ave. on my way to Aldi. I began to think how much had changed in 14 years, but how much had stayed the same. I was independent then, and am just as independent today. It is different now. Then it was new and exciting, but now, now I am still trying to figure out if my independence is a strength or hindrance. I need to look back and remember how I became who I am now. I have to wonder that after so many years, will I ever be able to depend on someone again? I look back and realize that I probably won't make the same mistakes if I ever have another relationship because I won't fall for the same type of man again. I've been alone for a long time, but not particularly lonely. But now of course I have to wonder what it is going to be like in a few years when all of my kids are grown. So I have these conversations with myself (again, telling myself that it is therapy and not craziness) where I ask myself if I think I have the energy to try again, and at first I always say no, but then I tell myself that if I stay on this course more years will pass and I will be even more accustomed to being independent and alone, and it will be even harder to let someone in. Worse, in 9 more years I may be sitting here asking the same questions.

So how do I move forward and leave the past behind without losing who I became because of my past? Hmmmmmmm........

My Life Through a Dirty Windshield

The title of this blog is probably what I should have named this blog. It seems that all of the life that I see when I am not staring at this computer screen is seen through the windshield of my truck while I am driving somewhere. I can't really complain though, because if it were not for the places I have to drive or to pick up my daughter, I might never get to leave the house! I have been taking my classes online, (which are killing me this semester). I have been working online, full time plus. Sadly, my friendships are primarily maintained online! So, I guess I should be thankful, because apparently, if it were not for the internet I may have no job, not be able to attend classes, and have absolutely no friends left. So long live the internet!